I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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