when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
