Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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