I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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