she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I don't deserve a penis
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
