The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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