so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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