I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
40s are totally the cure
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I think my moral compass just broke
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
