At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.