She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.