somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
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I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"