When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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