I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
