I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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