You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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