come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
now i know why i became what i already was.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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