i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
