I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
