im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Every concussion has its silver lining
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
