It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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