he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
