dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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