When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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