Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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