So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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