My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
