You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
