I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
