I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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