I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
