Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
