I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
