it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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