when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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