I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
