someone get that fucking seahorse.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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