Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
