I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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