On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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