im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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