saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
