everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
