I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
