i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
