Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
