Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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