The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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