When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
