I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
