She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
