What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
