I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
