you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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