2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
