i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router