...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
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Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.