i always forget guys have bellybuttons
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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