My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
