Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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