i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
not ubering you a puppy
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
