Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
