Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
