Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
